I class up a joint

For Emily

My existence is pretty disreputable
without my writing
I would just be a slacker
in debt and an entry level job 
it lends a glamour to my failures 
which are many
my friends say 
you can always write about it
they have said it so much
I say it to myself
sometimes something horrible happens
and then I sit down at my desk
give the horrible experience away
to one of my characters
I am an unfeeling and unjust God
it just goes to show
I never had any power
but if I did
I wouldn’t use it responsibly 
perhaps I’d be just as bad
as the rest of them

Poem before I cut off contact

I had a dream on New Year’s Day
we were standing on opposing banks
of a fast flowing river
you dove in I waded in halfway
but I had to leave
in the dream I was still working
in the shop there were doors to lock
and money to count
by the time I was done it was dark
and I woke up
I don’t want to see you
the way God sees you anymore
the thought of you glows in my chest
like a coal but holding it there
is starting to hurt I need to put it down
find something else to do
with my hands I need to work
I need a whole new river